When I first became a mom one of the things that was most shocking to me was how, um, what’s a nice way to say it… neurotic I became. And please hear me, that’s putting it gently.
Everything mattered, all the time, to such a high intensity. Every decision, every move, e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g mattered.
Her nap schedule. Her sleep windows. Her feeding. What I was eating. The way I burped her. The way she slept. The right sleep sack. The decision to start solids. What types of solids. Was it organic? Where did these sweet potatoes come from? Cloth diapering because #environment. Transition to organic diapers because #sanity. But not those diapers, they have chemicals. Is that a rash? Is she ok? Is this a normal sleep regression or is something wrong? Googling every symptom and declaring myself a medical professional who absolutely knew what was wrong. Her first birthday cake was sweetened with applesauce because a 1 year old obviously shouldn’t have sugar, bless my heart.
Gosh. It was such a fun time.
I was constantly on-edge, hyper-vigilant (if you want to use that term, since it seems to be on everyone’s radar these days). I was not ok. I was anxious. I was not present and I most definitely was not enjoying this new season of my life.
And friend, the thing is, this is what happens when we are so afraid of doing it wrong. When we’re taught and told that life, love, mothering, relationships, work, our bodies, our homes should all be a certain way or feel a certain way… then the only conclusion we can draw when we’re knee deep in exhaustion, fear, big feelings, chaos, conflict, etc- is that we must be doing it wrong and we must find the the way to get it right.
We humans tend to do this thing where we look for and label anything and everything that is potentially threatening as bad/ wrong /red-flag/ unhealthy/ toxic/ you name it so we can ensure that we are getting it right. It’s way to feel “safe.”
We become little judgers/label-ers of everyone’s behaviors, including our own, so that we can make sure that we don’t get it wrong. Because getting it wrong could mean that we:
- Wind up in the “wrong” relationship
- Gain weight
- Have issues with our kids
- Upset someone
- Make a bad decision
- Miss something and have to course correct later on (God, forbid, y’all).
I was so fixated on getting motherhood “right,” that I made myself a stressed out, anxious, hyper-vigilant, non-person.
Friends, I’m going to say something a little wild, but maybe, just maybe, these things aren’t about right and wrong. Maybe they’re about life and learning and fullness and growth and struggle and connection and trust and expansion and rest and, gosh, so much more.
When life gets watered down to just right or wrong, it’s a really anxious and quite frankly, boring way to live.
So, the invitation that awaits each of us is to let go of right and wrong and to pick up something entirely different… ourselves. Our humanness. Our personhood. Our fullness, which I’m learning includes mistakes, big feelings, hurting others, needs, messiness and so much more.
Instead of trying to get it right (which leads up straight into anxiety-fueled despair and hyper-vigilance) we get to be ourselves. What a different way to live.
Cheers.
